JokesBoy

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas

“I could carve a man with more backbone out of a banana.”
– Teddy Roosevelt

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one..”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.’

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest.’

‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his
office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’