A CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a tight, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
“What’s the idea in writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”
Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered: “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there isn’t anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said: “If I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up, won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s ass hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, I don’t mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
A CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a tight, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
“What’s the idea in writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”
Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
“He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”
“Er, I wonder if you’ll be using your power saw this morning,” the neighbor began.
“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”
“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?”
These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
> A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
> A: What did your last slave die of?
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>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
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>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
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>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
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>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
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>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
