JokesBoy

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school Telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do – Press 3
* To swear at staff members – Press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
* To complain about school lunches – Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”?

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: ” $ 70,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $ 950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks:

“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. “How did you enjoy it?” the guide asked when it was over. “It was great,” the girl replied, “but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways.”

“No need to worry,” said the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” she asked.

“Oh, about 300 years.”

Visiting the psychiatric ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”

“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull that rubber plug.”

An American rancher is meeting an Australian farmer. The farmer shows off his fields. “I’ve got fields twice this size”, says the American. The Aussie then shows off his herd of cows. “Oh, we have cows twice this size back home”, says the American.

A little while later the American spots two kangaroos hopping across the field. The American asks, “What are those?” Says the Aussie, “Haven’t you got grasshoppers in America”?