JokesBoy

There is not one dirty word in it, and yet it is funny!–
The Patel’s in the US, Hari and Sarla, aka Harry and Sally, were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Harrybhai kissed Sallyben goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Sally cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what Harry and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Patel.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know,’ said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Patel.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around to get a good look’.
‘A good look?’ said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Patel fainted!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She`s a lawyer

Good: You get into bed, and she`s feeling horny tonight.
Bad: You are drunk, and are feeling tired.
Worse: You forgot her mother is staying over, and you`ve entered the wrong room.

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling………… My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . ..”

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast ofNewfouodland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser

—————————————————-

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Just for laugh, nothing serious about this. Sorry Mr.President for giving you a turban treat and that long beard!