The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied.
“You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly”
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?” Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!” George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat
dinner.” At the bar, as they sipped their c0cktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”
1. If time doesn’t wait for you, don’t worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.
3 . Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
4 . He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
5 . So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
6 . Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
7. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
8. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
9.When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
10 . 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!” “I remember that, too,” she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek… “I’m a freeman now!”
John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a
kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of
butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his
manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, “There`s a bloody fellow out
there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter.” As he finished
saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager finished the deal and later said to John, “You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I
like it a lot. Which place are you from?
John replied, “I’m from Mexico, sir.”
“Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?” asked the manager.
John replied, “They’re all just prostitutes and soccer players
up there.”
“My wife is from Mexico,” the manager said.
John replied, “Which team did she play for?”