JokesBoy

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”

St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.”

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”

Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, “Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request.”

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn’t stay married to one another.

So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, “Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all
the warnings to the contrary, they’ve stayed out after
dark. Sure enough, as they’re driving along, a vampire
flies out of the night and lands on their windshield,
hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

“Dear Lord! What shall we do?” cries the first nun.

“Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break
his grip,” answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws
at the windshield.

“Now what shall we do?” yells the first nun, getting
even more scared.

“Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he’ll fall off,”
says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and
it’s starting to crack.

“NOW WHAT!?!?!” cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
She has a sudden flash of insight. “Show him your cross!”
she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells,
“Get off the f*cking car, you a55hole!!”

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.

“Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed.

“Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.

She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”

What were you thinking?

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f*ck him, he’s in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn’t walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, ” I forgot my lighter!”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”