JokesBoy

There is not one dirty word in it, and yet it is funny!–
The Patel’s in the US, Hari and Sarla, aka Harry and Sally, were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Harrybhai kissed Sallyben goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Sally cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what Harry and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Patel.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know,’ said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Patel.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around to get a good look’.
‘A good look?’ said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Patel fainted!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She`s a lawyer

Good: You get into bed, and she`s feeling horny tonight.
Bad: You are drunk, and are feeling tired.
Worse: You forgot her mother is staying over, and you`ve entered the wrong room.

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser

—————————————————-

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
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>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
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>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
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>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
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>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
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>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”?

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: ” $ 70,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $ 950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks:

“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says “These seats sure are big” to which the man replies “Everything is bigger in texas”. He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender “The glasses sure are big” to which the bartender says “Everything is bigger in Texas”. The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts “Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!”………………..

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”