JokesBoy

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country….we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives………

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too.”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball……..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
“Hey, this looks like yours!”