There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, “Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request.”
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn’t stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, “Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least very rude.
Jerry tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a —-
-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Jerry was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did???”
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”
The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about nuclear power?”
The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”
The first guy says, “I don’t know.”
The other guy says, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know $h!t?”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas
“I could carve a man with more backbone out of a banana.”
– Teddy Roosevelt
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one..”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball……..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
“Hey, this looks like yours!”