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Bigger

An American rancher is meeting an Australian farmer. The farmer shows off his fields. “I’ve got fields twice this size”, says the American. The Aussie then shows off his herd of cows. “Oh, we have cows twice this size back home”, says the American.

A little while later the American spots two kangaroos hopping across the field. The American asks, “What are those?” Says the Aussie, “Haven’t you got grasshoppers in America”?

Rough Flight

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water”.

“Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?” asks a little old lady, terrified.

“Yes, I’m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs”.

“And if I do this, the sharks won’t eat me any more?” asks the little lady.

“Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won’t enjoy it so much”.

Sickness

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: “Same illness, better health plan.”

3 Times

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, “That’s once.”

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, “That’s twice.”

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”

The farmer said, “That’s once.”

Unused

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”

Smart salesman

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?”

Aghast, the man said, “are you NUTS?, that’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly – “you must be crazy pal, now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much”.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!!!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”