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A Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Three engineers

Three engineers were travelling by a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stopped forcing them to pull off to the side of the road. They wondered what had gone wrong with the car engine.

The electrical engineer suggested stripping down the electronics of the car to try and trace where the fault might have occured.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggested that perhaps the fuel had emulsified and was getting blocked somewhere.

The microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows, and see if it works?”

When Insults Had Class

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas

“I could carve a man with more backbone out of a banana.”
– Teddy Roosevelt

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one..”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

Pregnant lady

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks. “Then why did you eat him?”