A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Holy $h!t A talking pig!’”
The teacher fainted.
In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.
“Don’ ye worry about it, lad. We’ll make sure your needs are taken care of.”
After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn’t go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.
“Aye, lad, ‘ere’s ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you’ll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you’ll find this arrangement satisfactory.”
The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was So good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.
On the sixth night, the captain said, “Not tonight, laddie; it’s your turn in the barrel.”